?

Log in

No account? Create an account
WHY ARE MY LEGS SO BLOODY FAT????????????????????????????????????

I HATE MY BODY MY MIND MY LIFE

WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS

Im so cold im shivering tomorrw is another day-but i always say that
i need to lose like 30lbs just to be at a normal weight
and why do i always get a tummy when i have a period?

my life (ok my husband is the best) but apart from him my body i just WANT TO BE THIN
ok very very fat
extremely very fat
the fattest i have been in a long long time-
my dance partner/boyfriend sad he wont love me as much if i gain weight-he said because i want to be thin im not happy when im fat so hes not happy when im not happpy? does it make sense lol?!!!
i jut know im happiest when im not eating and working out-i kinow i wouldnt last forever doing that so i will have to work out a healthy eating low kcal plan
agghhhh wish i was thin again.
i will be tho i certainly will be and very soon cos i have a comp in 3weeks
hi had bad week onth year even
recovery is shite
wish i was were i was and i will be sooner rather than later
agghhh
hate life well i hate the fat life,
its shite
got to change and fast before i lose mentality.
i want to be so thin i can dance and not feel anything move on my body.
i want to be able to touch my toes and have my stomach stay in place
i want to pull my jeans on without undoing the belt
i want to be able to look at food and be able to say no.
i want to have determination and confidence

i will have all these things if only i could lose weight

Aug. 19th, 2006

hi
i need to off load.im sorry for what im about to do and dont expect anything from you guys i just think(as one of you has just exp;lained to me it helps iif you offload) i need to talk/write or do this some place-but you's would be the only people to kind of understand.

when i was little i was sexually,mentally and physically abused by someone very close to me.i was hurt but kept quiet as i was threatened. so i became quite withdrawn, i was already a picky eater.

then i witnessed my drunken step dad threaten my mam physically attack too.i had to shield her and stand between them, i was scared and wanted to die, that has stayed with me for years.

my mam also has disordered eating-not an eating disorder just she is strange with her habits-she explains to me that it is a dancers diet which i must adopt.gr8 now i think-my mother willing anorexia on to me.

then when i was 15/16 i rebelled and did drink,drugs and partied but was raped and drug raped ending up in an unwanted pregnancy which i went through a termination on my own.
it was after this i became a hardcore anorexic -not eating for 6wks at a time-i was hospitalised and nearly sectioned so had to hurry up to put weight on-i didnt want to be locked up in a place where other men could be near me.

rushing to put this weight on i forgot the situations i had been through but when i came to relise i was fat; they came back i was no longer shielded to the pain.


IT IS NOW THAT I NEED TO BE SHIELDED-ANOREXIA IS A TRUE FRIEND WHICH HELPS ME THROUGH ALL OF MY HARD TIMES AND I WISH AND HOPE IT WILL STAY WITH ME FOREVER, AS I FEEL SAFE WITH YOU AROUND.

there are still some issues i cant deal with and will stay with me until i die,until then i need to regain my control in my life - this is how it will be from now on.

(thank you for just letting this be posted)

PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME-PLEASE.

ADELE X

Aug. 18th, 2006

Emo... You'd rather forget about your problems - they cause you too much pain. You'd rather sleep than deal with hunger, and maybe you cut yourself if you screw up. You're probably pretty thin since fat is just so much pain and social torment.


oh my god, that is me.i thought these were stupid but they are actually true.
i was going to be discharged from psyche cos i didnt talk-wanted to forget and i always sleep loads when hungry and yes i do cut.

also went to asthma nurse this morning oh my god-she weighed me i refused but she said ive got to or you cant go and get inhalers? eh? i dont know, but i had 3 jumpers-thick jacket-trainers combats-what was she on? she didnt even say talke off your shoes!!! i thought it was good in a way as she wouldnt know my normal weight-but anyway its not nice seeing such a huge number on the scales! agghhhh so came home to work out.
i just want to be thin thats all i ever ask.

del x

Aug. 13th, 2006

HERE WE GO- ONE WEEK FAST AS FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT- WHO'S IN.

I'M DEFINITELY GOING FOR 1 WEEK MORE IF I CAN HACK IT SO THOSE WHO WANT TO DO IT WITH ME WE CAN SUPPORT HELP ETC.UP TO YOU ALL.
ok so had really good day upto about 3pm when i had to drive upto the mall-was dizzy and shaking, so returned to my old friend the cig.
god, i've not smoked for nearly 2months now and i just cant hack it.aagghhh! its like its the naughty secret thing i still do that my parents don t know about! so it felt sooo good to liteup again.
plus it curbed my hungerfor a while, until my excuses didnt wash with my sister so she forced me to get something.it was either pasty, cakes or pizza until i spotted a healthy chicken sandwich i took the last one and paid then ate.not good.i made sure i went to the ladies to get rid and walk around for a while to burn off some kcals.

when you purge do you go really dizzy and feel as if everything around is moving but you're not.and voices become like echoes? i actually felt worse when i'd purged to what i did when i was hungry.

im now sat in my room just nibbling on a few sweets to bring my sugar levels up.i dont feel well at all-it doesnt help that i've got flu and hot cold, sneezing, etc i feel terrible.i think its because im run down-when i starve i starve properly and ive decided to severly restrict now so my body still runs and works ok rather than shut down as i think its doing.also getting chest pains-even when im laying down in bed, so i need to sort myself out.

any help please!!!!!
x
does anyone here,
when they start to fast or have fasted for while, crave food-obviously; but then if and when they eat it, they purge as they know they shouldn't have eaten-again obvious-but then always secretly want more food?

when i literally starve or fast; after few days i eat but then purge (i know its very harmful) but then always want more food- i dont know why but i think its because i know i've already done badly or broke the fast that why not brake it some more? or i know i can always purge afterwards?

or is this only happening to me?
i dont know really,anyone???
adele x
hey.
i didnt do too well today.
i had a cereal bar this morning because i was practicing (dancing) - i thought all day.
but when we started i didnt feel too well-i think its psychological because i had food.so we didnt last long together;i dropped him off at station then came back.
i was really bored so went to subway for a chicken sandwich; that i came home and purged which brings me to the present-in my bedroom, off work tonight and not going out, so-bored as tv is rubbish so i hope im not going to want to eat.
so dont know what to do.
i already feel like eating something its horrible.
any ideas what i can do to take mind off things?
right now im a bit depressed as have eaten-its like a viscious cycle-tht u cannot get out of.
aaggghhhh!!!

Profile

danzadele
danzadele

Latest Month

March 2008
S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars